Words of Life,Love,and Laughter...

Being afraid is a terrible feeling. My heart is pumping so fast it feels like it's going to come out of my chest like that ugly little thing in Alien. I fear for my son. We never seem to be making progress even with all the therapy that he's now started. It's getting harder and harder to have little outting. Being in the car seat at all is always a terrible experience, Riley can't stand to be confined and most of the time he has a complete breakdown. He likes to play by himself. He can't talk to me or point or reach for something.

When will he communicate with me and not scream and scream? I feel like I am an alien in his world. Will he ever tell me he loves me? Will he hug me or kiss me? Will he ever look at me and say 'Mama'? I don't know the answer to these questions and that is terrifying. I think at some point these things will happen, but when?

18 months have passed, and now I'm so tired sometimes I can barely get through the day without crying. I love my son. I love his smile and giggle, his tiny fingers and toes, those few times when he will let me hold him close. I love him so much, it kills me to be so lost.

I don't know how to fight something that doesn't even have a name, something you can't see or even feel. All we know is something's not right and because of it Riley has hypotonia and developmental delays and everything else the doctors haven't taken the time to see.

I want the world for Riley, the dreams are hard to let go of.